“Just tell me what you need”... sounds supportive but often isn’t
Why neuroinclusive leadership starts earlier than that
Most leaders genuinely want to support their people well. They want to be fair, thoughtful. and inclusive.
Which is why this phrase shows up so often in workplaces – usually at the point when something has already started to feel a bit unclear:
“Just tell me what you need.”
It sounds supportive. Reasonable, even. But for many neurodivergent people, particularly those who are late-diagnosed, this question can land very differently.
Not because they’re unwilling to engage.
Not because they’re being difficult.
But because they genuinely don’t yet know what their needs are.
When someone doesn’t know their needs yet
For many neurodivergent adults, recognising personal needs is not straightforward.
Years of masking can play a role. So can learning early to push through discomfort. Or growing up without language for internal signals like fatigue, overwhelm or stress. And over time, this can make it difficult to translate lived experience into clear requests.
So when a manager asks, “What support would help you?” the answer may simply not be there yet.
When that happens, silence is often misinterpreted. It can look like disengagement or even resistance. But on reality, it’s often translation lag.
Someone may feel overwhelmed without knowing why.
Drained without knowing what’s draining them.
Blocked without knowing what would unblock them.
And when clarity is treated as a prerequisite for support, the people who most need that support are often the ones who fall through the gap.
Why this matters for leadership development
Developing leadership skills isn’t just about strategy, decision-making or performance conversations. It’s also about how leaders respond to uncertainty – especially when that uncertainty sits inside another person.
Neuroinclusive leadership requires a shift away from seeing support as something that only begins once a fully formed request has been made. Instead, it starts earlier. And it starts with curiosity.
This is particularly important in conversations about reasonable adjustments. Many organisations expect employees to clearly articulate what adjustments they need, without recognising that self-awareness itself may still be developing.
Good leadership development helps leaders recognise this gap and respond to it thoughtfully.
What actually helps when someone doesn’t know their needs
Support doesn’t start with the perfect adjustment. It starts with creating the conditions where insight can emerge.
Here are three practical ways leaders can do this in day-to-day work.
1. Create safe, non-performance spaces
Not every conversation needs to be about output, targets or fixing problems. Regular 1:1s that focus on wellbeing and how someone experiences work create space for reflection.
This is especially important for people who have learned that asking for help can feel risky. Psychological safety isn’t just about being kind. It’s about removing pressure to have the “right” answers.
2. Encourage gentle tracking over time
Self-awareness often builds gradually.
Encouraging gentle tracking can help people notice patterns without feeling scrutinised or overwhelmed. This doesn’t need to be formal or time-consuming. It might include:
- short voice notes
- a few bullets in a journal or notes app
- brief reflections after meetings or busy periods
Useful prompts can include:
- What gives me energy?
- What drains me?
- Where do I feel friction or resistance?
- When do I feel most effective or engaged?
Over time, patterns start to emerge. And those patterns create insight which can help to stear conversations about working styles, reasonable adjustments and support.
3. Keep the conversation open
Needs aren’t fixed.
What worked six months ago may not work now.
What helps in one role may not help in another.
What feels manageable during a quieter period may fall apart under pressure.
Neuroinclusive leadership treats support as an ongoing conversation, not a one-off checkbox exercise.
This approach benefits everyone – not just neurodivergent employees.
Neurodiversity in the workplace isn’t about perfection
There is no single right way to support neurodiversity in the workplace. But there is a more human way.
One that recognises that self-awareness develops over time. That clarity often follows support, not the other way around. And that good leadership is less about having all the answers, and more about staying curious long enough for understanding to grow.
If leaders can hold that space, they don’t just support individuals more effectively. They build cultures where people are more likely to thrive.
Want to explore this further?
I work with leaders and organisations to develop practical, neuroinclusive leadership skills including how to support employees who struggle to articulate their needs, navigate reasonable adjustments, and work more sustainably.
If you’d like to explore leadership development, training or coaching for your organisation, you’re welcome to get in touch or book a discovery call.