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Why “I should…” keeps you stuck — especially with ADHD

“I should be further along by now.”

That thought used to sit with me constantly.

I should be more organised.
I should be better at this.
I should just get on with it.

If you’ve got an ADHD brain, you’ll probably recognise that loop.

And it’s exhausting.

What we really mean when we say “should”

At first glance, “should” sounds helpful. Responsible, even.

But most of the time, it isn’t.

Because “shoulds” are rarely neutral. They’re loaded.

They tend to come from:

  • Past expectations (school, work, family)
  • Workplace norms that don’t fit how your brain works
  • Old versions of you who were trying to cope or fit in

And over time, they become internalised.

So instead of this is something I’ve chosen, it becomes this is something I should be able to do… so why can’t I?

That’s where the pressure – and the self-doubt – starts to build.

Why “shoulds” don’t work for ADHD brains

If you have ADHD (diagnosed or not), your brain doesn’t run on importance. It runs on:

  • Interest
  • Meaning
  • Urgency
  • Novelty

So when you say “I should do this”

Your brain doesn’t get what it needs to engage. There’s no spark. No hook. No reason to start.

And that’s often where procrastination shows up.

Not because you’re lazy. But because your brain isn’t activated.

Over time, this can lead to:

  • Avoidance
  • Frustration
  • Negative self-talk

And eventually: “What’s wrong with me?”

This is where “shoulds” stop being about tasks… and start affecting self-worth.

The hidden impact: guilt, shame and overwhelm

For many neurodivergent people, “should” isn’t just a word.

It carries years of messaging:

  • “You should try harder”
  • “You should be more organised”
  • “You should just focus”

So even now, a simple thought like:

“I should reply to that email”

Can quietly translate to:

“I should be the kind of person who finds this easy”

And that’s a much heavier load to carry.

This is often where ADHD and emotional overwhelm intersect – especially if you experience rejection sensitivity or self-doubt.

What to focus on instead: wants and needs

This is something I use a lot in coaching.

Not to dismiss responsibility, but to make things actually work. Because:

  • “Want” connects you to motivation
  • “Need” connects you to support, energy and sustainability

And both are far more effective than pressure.

A simple way to reframe “should” ...that actually works

Next time you notice a “should,” try this:

Notice it

E.g. “I should go for a walk”

Get curious

Where is this coming from?

  • Expectation?
  • Guilt?
  • Habit?

Reframe it

  • “I want to clear my head before tomorrow”
  • “I need a break because my focus has gone”

Or sometimes:

  • “This doesn’t matter right now”

Same action. Very different energy.

What happens when you let go of “shoulds”

I worked with a client recently who was carrying a lot of them.

Pressure to perform.
Pressure to be consistent.
Pressure to have it all figured out.

When we unpacked it, a lot of it wasn’t actually hers.

It was inherited. Internalised. Unquestioned.

Once we separated what she wanted and what she needed from what she thought she should be doing…Things shifted.

She made decisions more easily. And she trusted herself more.

A final thought

“Shoulds” often come from a version of you that was trying to:

  • Keep up
  • Fit in
  • Do the “right” thing

But that doesn’t mean they still fit now.

Shifting towards “wants” and “needs” isn’t about lowering standard or being self-centred.

It’s about reducing friction – so you can actually follow through on what matters.

A question to leave you with

If you paused for a moment and looked at your current “shoulds”…

How many of them are actually yours?

If you want to explore this further

If you’re in leadership, running a business or quietly carrying more pressure than you realised, this is exactly the kind of thing we can explore together.

You can find out more about how I work here:
👉 https://thegoodspace.uk/adhd-coaching-for-adults/

Or, if it feels easier, just reach out for a conversation. No pressure – just a space to think things through https://calendly.com/lizgoodbrand01/30min

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